My Yaoi Closet

One thing I struggle with is being closeted with my interest in yaoi. For some people, yaoi is no big deal but for many of us we feel the need to keep our interest hidden. At least from our families and friends.

Yaoi can be difficult to explain to people and, as my Beta Reader pointed out to me, it can be polarizing. I’ve been telling people I trust little by little. And I’ve been having good luck explaining my interest by mentioning that many hetero men find girl-on-girl action a turn on and no one thinks that’s a strange thing.

Telling people feels really good, like I don’t have to hide from them anymore. In a way it’s a gift to them. They get to see my complete self, weirdness and all.

Since I’ve launched my website, I’ve been dying to tell the world about it. This isn’t much of a stretch either. I’m proud of what we’ve done here and I am regularly reminded in one way or another that writing these stories is the right thing for me to do now. I have to keep making vague comments to most people¬†about what I’m working on. I don’t get to tell them all the little milestones I’ve been reaching, the wonderful people I’ve been getting to know, and the progress I’ve been making. I don’t tell people any details, they all just know I’m writing a whole lot and not updating my regular blog.

This feels restrictive, even a little disingenuous. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to go on Facebook and make an announcement. I’m sure it will generally be well received. Some people might be a little surprised but that’s okay. I could lose a friend or two but they won’t be people I’m who are close to me.

On of the weirdest things for me is keeping this secret from my gay male friends. You would think I might tell them right away but I don’t. See, I’m worried that I can’t tell a gay love story with hardcore pornographic sex and do it any justice. On some level I don’t feel qualified no matter how good my imagination is. And you would think I’d want to ask these dear friends for their opinions about these stories, if the details and interactions make sense to them. You would think this might be a great resource but I continue to hide anyway. I just too scared.

Some day I will tell people. When I announce on Facebook to my friends I will tell everyone here. I will tell people of my plans, this website, I will let them know how serious I am about it. And I will definitely tell them how much I love it and how I’ve found many like minded people who love it too.

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