I left work today in an ambulance

I am not even kidding.

They thought I was having a stroke. Weird tingling sensations up and down my left side. Many tests later they decided that I wasn’t having a full on stroke and I was fit enough to go home. I’m feeling better but they still don’t know what caused the situation and why it’s continuing (tingly left foot, slight tingles in my left quad, at least my left arm has stopped hurting).

There are a lot of things you think about when you’re staring up at the ceiling of a moving ambulance and a really nice EMT named Sean is prattling because he knows you’re so scared that you’re about to fall apart. You think that you could die or wonder if you’ll lose your mind. Or if permanent paralysis will settle in on the left side of your body, on your face. You wonder if you’ll ever write again, if you’ll be able to work, and do all the neat things you’ve been able to do so far. Your perspective changes, and yeah sure, the meaning of life emerges. Life too short. Tell people you love them. Do more of the things you love. Cherish each moment.

Right now, I’m big on that last one because this thing showed up with no warning whatsoever. Last night, I went to bed and was feeling just fine. I’d briefly contemplated reading another Stucky fic before turning off my light. And it happened gradually over the course of this morning. So. Cherish it, go ahead. Cherish all the good things in your life. Please.


The big thing I’ve been struggling with for more than a year is the lies I tell about my life. If you’re reading this from my Facebook page then I’ve been lying to you. If you’re with my writing group, or we work together, I lie to you all the time. To your face. And if you’re reading this from Twitter or Tumblr, I’m still lying to you, just not as much. So here it is. Some of you might know a lot of this already (such as my name, etc.) but less than a handful know it all.

My name is Cindy. I am 49 years old. If I’ve never told you my age and we hang out Twitter, it’s because I’ve been terrified that you’ll think less of me because I’m so much older than all of you.

I write gay romance and sex stories also known as BL (for boys love) and yaoi (which is a manga subgenre, a manga is a kind of Japanese comic book). This is my website. I launched it more than a year and a half ago. I’m finishing a fanfiction trilogy but have major plans to write original stories in this genre. People come to my website all over the world to read my stories. I am part of a vibrant, marvelous community and am very active on Twitter and Tumblr. I have really good friends with whom I interact with on both sites.

If you come to writing group or we work together or you’ve known me for a very long time, this is reason why I never seem to finish my novel. I’ve actually written two novel length stories and am working on a third. In addition, I’ve drafted three original novels that I will eventually post here. I’m writing and finishing stories but not telling you about it because I’ve been afraid that you will all want to know why I write in this genre and wonder what the hell I am thinking. It’s difficult to explain and I haven’t wanted to try.

I am a fangirl and shipper. If you don’t know what a shipper is…I’m sure you don’t really want to know. Fangirl culture is tough to explain to anyone who is not in the thick of it and it’s usually a young person’s thing. I limit myself to only a handful of fandoms simply because I don’t have enough time to enjoy them all. Sports anime…I’ve been able to avoid that rabbit hole so far. NBC Hannibal and Supernatural…not so much. My obsession with those two shows have only grown as time has gone on. And let’s not talk about some of the Marvel Studio characters I’m crazy about. I attend one convention or con as we call them, and it’s Yaoi-Con, held near where I live. It’s a con devoted exclusively to these BL/Yaoi gay romance and sex stories, and this year will be my fifth consecutive year. I came to all this very late. I didn’t grow up with it and have almost no context with many of the old animes so many fangirls started out with.

I went on my Japan tour a few weeks ago because it was a special BL/Yaoi tour and featured two outstanding BL webcomic artists as special guests. I went to NYC two weekends ago because I backed a Kickstarter for one of those artists who launched a game based on her comic and was I invited to the launch party.

This is my whole life now. I needed to come clean in this way, to rid myself of these burdens. I love what I’m doing here and have wanted to share this journey but I’ve been too scared to.

I’m very worn out. Goodnight.


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